Interlude

There has been some conflict in my mind lately regarding whether or not I should get my rear end in gear and start looking for an apartment of my own. Although Mike and JaAnn assure me that they want me to stay here and live with them, and even though I know that I have been happier here than I've been for a long, long time, I still feel that I should be living on my own and not being so benignly dependant upon the goodness and kindness of my son and his family.

Yes, I suppose that the conflict is in my own mind. But... how can I explain this?

I am remembering the opposing philosophical arguments in the last few pages of the Tim O'Brien novel, Going After Cacciatto wherein Paul Berlin and Sarkin Aung Wan are at The Peace Talks Conference Table.

Sarkin Aung Wan says: Do not be deceived by false obligation. You are obliged, by all that is just and good, to pursue only the felicity that you yourself have imagined. Do not let fear stop you. Do not be frightened by ridicule or censure or embarrassment. do not fear name-calling, do not fear the scorn of others. For what is true obligation? Is it not the obligation to pursue a life at peace with itself?

Paul Berlin replies:
More than any positive sense of obligation, I confess that what dominates is the dread of abandoning all that I hold dear. I am afraid of running away. I am afraid of exile. I fear what might be thought of me by those I love. I fear the loss of their respect. ... I fear being an outcast. ... -- I have been told to ignore my fear of censure and embarrassment and loss of reputation. But would it not be better to accept those fears? To yield to them? If inner peace is the true objective, would I win it in exile?

No. That is profound, but it does not sufficiently enlighten me about the correct solution to the situation. I know from experience that when two generations inhabit the same home, no matter the extent of the seeming harmony, the members of this extended family eventually tire of the arrangement. Remember, if you will, the many discordant family-member plots of the old TV sitcom, Frasier.

Perhaps I just need to think about it for a little while longer.

Or maybe talk it over with someone...